Man of the house
by Sephy-Wephy
Summary: Long story short, Jenova and her 4 sons live together. One day she decides to take a 7 day vacation and leaves her least favorite, the youngest Kadaj, in charge only because he begged her to. Will the other three survive? Rating may change xD
1. Prologue

Hi peoples! This is meh First FFVII funny fic ever. After FFVII: AC, Sephiroth and his three brothers all live together with Mother, aka Jenova. One day, Mother is fed up with her sons (except Sephiroth) and decides to take a 7 days vacation. Kadaj wants to take advantage of this moment to prove he is 'worthy' and not a complete screw up (as he was in Advent Children, ha!) and begs her to let him be 'in charge.' Eventually, she gives in and the three brothers are at their youngest brother's command. How will Sephiroth take this? How will Kadaj do with taking care of the house? Find out and be amazed…! Or something… PROLOGUE! Oh, and I must say that I don't own Final Fantasy VII, wish I did, oh well. Oh and Sephiroth and Mother may seem like they 'love' each other. Because they do! SEPHY WUVS HIS MOMMY!

Prologue:

A loud crash is heard in the living room, which brings the female alien known as Jenova to the room. The T.V. is smashed, and Kadaj and Loz are found fighting each other in the center of the room, as Yazoo casually sits on the couch watching blankly. Jenova growls furiously, striking fear and tension upon the two bickering brothers as they see their upset mother. "IT WAS HIS FAULT!" cried (literally) Loz pointing a finger at Kadaj.

"What?!" Kadaj protested. "YOU were watching your stupid "Tellie Tubbies" and being a freaking baby! I HAD to take the remote from you and change the channel or I may have gone insane!" Loz turned to his brother, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"TELLIE TUBBIES IS A VERY EDUCATIONAL SHOW! YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE IT A CHANCE!" he blubbered. Kadaj crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"EDUCATIONAL?! THE SO CALLED 'TELLIE TUBBIES' CAN'T EVEN TALK! WHAT THE HECK CAN YOU LEAN FROM THAT?!" he argued. Jenova let out an ear-splitting roar that caused complete silence in the room. Sephiroth emerged from his room and looked at his beloved mother.

"Mother…" he said in a soft voice. "What has you so stressed?" he pulled out Masamune and pointed at Loz and Kadaj. "WAS IT THEM, AGAIN!?" he interrogated angrily as his green eyes turned grim whilst facing the two. She tried to keep a straight tone when she spoke.

"I.. am SICK.. of these pathetic remnants ruining…EVERYTHING!" she yelled causing the house to shake. She glared ferociously towards Kadaj. "ESPECIALLY YOU, KADAJ! YOU MAKE ME SICK! YOU…YOU… STUPID-HEAD!" she snarled. Kadaj's face saddened.

"Forgive me Mother…" he said stifling his tears. "I- " he was cut off by Jenova's screams.

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!" she hissed. "I'M TAKING A VACATION AWAY FROM YOU NIMRODS IF IT'S THE LAST THIS I DO!" she raced off, Sephiroth following. He watched her lifting her clothes and packing with her tentacles.

"Mother…" he murmured sympathetically staring at her as she paced and packed her things (A/N: Don't ask what her 'things' are, Heh, I don't know!). She looked back into his eyes and seemed to calm.

"Oh Sephy!" she said wrapping her tentacles around him. "I just can't take those pathetic excuses I'm forced to call my 'sons' anymore!" she mumbled. He patted the alien's figure on the back.

"I told you to obliterate them but noooo! You actually thought THEY could take over the earth for you!" he stated with a slight smirk. Kadaj entered the room with his hands behind his back, glaring nervously at Sephiroth and Jenova. She let go of Sephiroth and looked at Kadaj.

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT YOU FOOL!?" she hollered at him. Kadaj flinched and tried to speak.

"M-mother? I-I want to take charge of the house while your gone to prove to you… I'm worthy your son." He stammered. She looked at him as if he was insane. Then Sephiroth let out a small laugh.

"You aren't even worthy to like moldy cheese off of a blind, deft, retarded bisexual person." He stated randomly. Jenova grabbed her bags and stormed passed Kadaj out the door of her room.

"No! Never!" she barked ready to run out the door. Kadaj blocked the door and said,

"OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE!-

**3 hours later…**

OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE! OH PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETY PLEASE!?!?! PUH-LEA-" he was cut off by Jenova, who strangled him with her tentacles and growled.

"Finally…" mumbled Yazoo, whom finally spoke during the three hours that he sat on the couch.

"FINE! WHATEVER! YOU STAY IN CHARGE WHILE I'M GONE! EVERYONE HEAR THAT?!" Jenova said looking around the room still choking Kadaj. Yazoo and Loz just blankly nodded. Sephiroth came in and objected.

"Are you seriously going to leave HIM in charge of US for the next 7 days!?" protested Sephiroth. Jenova released Kadaj, and turned to her oldest, her favorite, Sephiroth.

"Anything to shut him up and get me out of here…" she grumbled lowly. Her face then brightened as she came and once again hugged Sephiroth.

"Mother wuvs you Sephy!" she said cutely, followed by bestowing him a kiss on the cheek. Sephiroth wrapped his arms around the alien's figure and said,

"I hope this week doesn't feel like an eternity, the shorter it feels being away from you the better." He said (A/N: YAY! I made Sephiroth a momma's boy! Some of you are probably gagging right now, OH WELL!). Without a word, she left the room and out the door. Kadaj grinned at Sephiroth, ready to make a wise-ass comment, until Jenova opened the door and spoke in the doorway,

"As for you Kadaj, don't screw this up!" she shrieked followed by a door slam. Jenova was gone, and for the next 7 days, Loz, Yazoo, and Sephiroth were at the mercy of their youngest.

Will they survive?

Yah. End of prologue, I don't know when Chapter one will be up, as long as I have my muse with me, it should be soon. I don't care if you review, flame, or whatever. Just read it and shut it or if you want to be really stupid about it put in you 2 freak'n cents. Other than that! I hope you enjoyed this story! BYE BYEZ!


	2. Day 1

I'm umm... just going to continue the story. I have a little shout out for my favorite flash movie involved in this fic now. Yay!

Day 1

The four stood for a moment in silence, until Kadaj finally turned to Sephiroth and grinned. "Well brother! Looks like I'm in charge of you for the week!" he laughed. Sephiroth mumbled and crossed his arms.

"Mother will see what a mistake she made when she comes back and sees how screwed up this house is probably going to get. Until then…" Sephiroth paused noticing a monstrosity on the couch sitting next to Yazoo. It looked like an alligator, with legs and feet like a tortoise's, and a camouflage-like design. "What the hell is THAT?" he questioned ready to draw his sword. Yazoo smiled warmly.

"It's a leopluradon! A MAGICAL leopluradon!" he said in a soft high-pitched voice. Kadaj gave Sephiroth a confused look.

"You've never seen Yazoo's leopluradon, Steve?" asked he, followed by a chuckle. "You DO spend too much time in your room!" Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

"Right… if that thing comes near me I'll cut its head off you got that? I'm going to spend the next 7 days in my room. As far away from you remnants and that creature as possible!" Sephiroth burbled making his way to his room. Kadaj blocked his door and said,

"No way! **I **amin charge and **I** think **you** should spend more time with us brother!" Kadaj said smiling brightly. Sephiroth's face turned grim.

"I don't care if Mother put you in charge! I'm not wasting my week with a bunch of psychos!" he roared shoving Kadaj out of the way.

"I'll tell Mother if you don't!" Kadaj threatened. Sephiroth sighed annoyed by this. He didn't want Mother to be bothered and have another fit so awful it would cause her to blow up the house and have them all to have to live on the streets…again. So, with out a word he turned and kicked Steve the magical leopluradon off the couch and sat, staring at the broken television. Yazoo gave Sephiroth a dirty look as he picked up his adored pet.

"What are we suppose to do with a broken television?!" questioned Sephiroth. Kadaj stared at the T.V. thinking.

"We could call eh… one of those… guys that fix them!" Kadaj said blissfully. Sephiroth slapped his forehead at the ignorance of his younger brother.

"A T.V. repair man you mean." He stated.

"Yeah that's it!" announced Kadaj joyfully. "Go call one!"

"YOU go call one, you're 'in charge.'" Sephiroth replied smirking. Kadaj gazed around the room baffled.

"How, brother?" he asked scratching his head. The more this dragged on the more Sephiroth became aggravated.

"PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL ONE!" he snapped.

"I KNOW THAT! I JUST DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER!" Kadaj shouted back feeling pressured.

"Umm… how about using a phone book? Or asking an operator? Take out your cell phone, press 0, and talk to the operator!" Sephiroth said in a bit calmer, yet still annoyed tone. Kadaj took out his phone and dialed 0.

**1 perplexing phone call and a half hour later**

The T.V. repair main was already at work on fixing the television. Kadaj was in the kitchen cooking up dinner (even though he never learned cook), Loz was sleeping on the floor in the living room, and Yazoo and Sephiroth remained on the couch. Yazoo was eating and feeding Steve bananas whilst Sephiroth stared sickly at the two. Yazoo looked up at Sephiroth, head tilted and with a smile.

"Steve wuvs bananas…" Yazoo said freakishly. "I do too…" Sephiroth scooted away from his brother freaked out by his random statement, then turned to the T.V. repairman agitatedly.

"Are you DONE yet?" he jeered impatiently. The man acted as if he didn't hear Sephiroth and kept working. Since Sephiroth was ignored, he didn't bother wasting his breath and got up to see what Kadaj was cooking up in the kitchen.

"HEY BROTHER!" Kadaj greeted working over a large boiling pot. Sephiroth said nothing as he walked over to the pot.

"I hope you know what you're doing Kadaj, you can't just toss in any old type of food and call it 'dinner.'" He said trying to see what was in the pot.

"OF COURSE YOU CAN!" he replied delightfully tossing in uncooked meat and soda in. Sephiroth's face turned pale trying to imagine what this disgusting 'stew' would taste like, then shuddered at the thought. He grabbed the phone off the wall over the microwave and dialed for pizza.

A couple more boring hours later… 

The pizza arrived, the T.V. was fixed, and Steve ate the T.V. repairman and the pizza guy, so both were free! Yazoo, Steve, and Loz watched Lifetime and were sobbing while Kadaj continued working on dinner. Sephiroth was in the kitchen as well, ready to eat his pizza until Kadaj walked over and took the whole pie. "Why THANK YOU brother!" he said happily skipping to the pot of menacing stew.

"What are you doing!?" snarled Sephiroth following Kadaj to the pot.

"Adding the finishing touch to my stew silly!" he replied dumping the pie in the stew.

"YOU IDIOT!" snapped Sephiroth slapping Kadaj in the back of the head. Kadaj rubbed his head and turned to his brother grimace look on his face.

"Whaddya do that for? I know your hungry, Sephy, dinner will be set in a minute!" Kadaj said grabbing the pot and setting it on the table.

"That is going to taste disgusting, which is why I bought the pizza for myself, AND DON'T CALL ME SEPHY!" he screamed with his hand firmly around his sword.

"What? Only Mother can call you Sephy?" he snickered.

"Yes…!" Sephiroth stated feeling a bit weak about his answer.

"Okay, whatever!" cackled Kadaj as he finished setting the table and pouring out his diabolical stew. "Now go sit and eat!"

"I'm not eating that garbage, an animal couldn't even stomach what you've just created!" he mumbled. He noticed that there were 5 bowls out, and a food bowl on the floor for Steve. "You put an extra bowl out by the way stupid!" Kadaj smiled and shook his head.

"No I didn't! I invited a friend over for dinner!" he proclaimed. Sephiroth crossed his arms.

"Who?" he questioned in a low, angry tone. Soon enough the doorbell rang and Loz opened the door. It was Cloud, yes, Cloud Strife. Sephiroth's green eyes gave a puzzled look as he stared at his youngest brother. "Why did you invite him…?" he asked.

"We have something special planned…" replied Kadaj sitting in his seat and grinning (A/N: Sounds wrong, no?). Sephiroth looked at his brother freakishly, then thought for a moment. 'Perhaps Kadaj planned to poison him with the stew…'

Sephiroth sat without saying a word as Cloud came in straight-faced and sat faraway from him as possible, followed by Loz and Yazoo taking their seats on each side of Sephiroth and Steve laid on the floor by Yazoo with a food bowl in front of him. Kadaj stood and served the fowl smelling gunk to everyone.

Sephiroth waited and watched Cloud, waiting for what he thought would be a deadly fate coming. Everyone except Kadaj, who waited for what their response may be to his cooking, started eating it, oblivious too exactly what it was. Loz, Yazoo, Steve, and Cloud were choking and gagging as the disgusting slop slithered down their throat. It dawned upon Sephiroth that it wasn't poison, but he still looked ready to laugh with a wide grin on his face as he saw their reaction to the taste. Kadaj started giggling a bit, did he have this planned?

"I can't believe you idiots actually ate that!" he laughed. The victims of the stew all gave him a dirty look as their faces turned a pale green.

"YOU-!" Yazoo began but then stopped and started throwing up. Some landed on Steve, some on Cloud as well.

One stomachache epidemic later 

Everyone was in the living room, except for Sephiroth, he was sent to his room because Kadaj wanted to talk with Cloud, Yazoo, and Loz '_privately_.' Kadaj stood, whilst the others laid on the couches and floor still hurting from the dinner they ate. Yazoo and Steve were the ones on the floor, they were lying on their backs and Yazoo was rubbing his beloved pet's stomach. What is their plan?

Yeah I'm stopping here. I hope a get better at this story writing as the story progresses. Scones. I'm going to make the next chapter dirty, YAY.


	3. Day 2

Mlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Welcome to Chapter three! You must really love me if you are actually reading this. Hah, ha ha. –twitch- ah okay. I said I was going to make the next chapter 'dirty,' but guess what! I LIED! WHOO! Hah, it's because I had random inspiration that I couldn't let escape my mind. Then again, the beginning part of this is a bit weirdish. Oh well. So, without further a due, I give you chapter three. HA! THAT DOESN'T RHYME LIKE IT WOULD WITH TWO! HAHAHAHAHA!

MARSHMALLOW CHILDREN WILL RULE YOU ALL!

Day 2: 1:55 a.m. (A/N: a.m. means morning! D)

Sephiroth was laying peacefully in his bed sleeping with the black colored covers pulled over his head. A pathetic whimper awoken him, he felt a quavering figure laying beside him in his bed. He threw the covers off his head and say Yazoo. He looked frightened and pale as he shook there.

Sephiroth growled, reached over and clicked the lamp beside his bed on. "Yazoo…" he said groggily rubbing his eyes "What are you doing-" he paused looking at Yazoo with a shocked expression. "Why… are you wearing a kilt? He asked uneasily. Yazoo opened his mouth to say something, but Sephiroth cut him off. "Never mind, I don't want to know. What are you doing in my bed?" Yazoo leaned over too him and whispered in his ear.

"I'm…scared." He murmured shakily, then clang to Sephiroth's arm shutting his eyes tightly. He tried to push Yazoo off, but he wouldn't budge. He sighed with frustration.

"Of what?" he groaned. Yazoo eyes shot open.

"_Them_…" Yazoo replied lowly. "They're… they're after me lucky charms!" he screamed in a _Scottish _accent. "THE DEMONIC LEPRACHAUNS! THEY BE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS, LAD!" Sephiroth threw Yazoo of his bed making a large thump on the floor.

"There's no such thing you idiot! Get out of my room!' he scowled. Yazoo looked back up at him helplessly at the floor.

"But… BUT THEY BE COME'N FOR ME LUCKY CHARMS LAD! THE LEPRACHAUNS! AAAAAAH!" he sobbed still speaking in a Scottish tone. They door slammed open as Kadaj and Loz entered the room, looking tired.

"What the hell is going on here…?" asked Kadaj in an annoyed weary tone.

"It's like… 2:00 in the morning." Loz mumbled. Sephiroth twitched.

"Yazoo won't leave me alone… him and his stupid nightmares…" Sephiroth grumbled.

"I BE TELL'N YA! THEY BE REAL! KATY BAR THE DOORS!" Yazoo shrieked.

"Ah, quit yer blatherin'!" Loz replied mimicking Yazoo's accent. Kadaj looked at him weirdly.

"You speak Scottish?" he questioned.

"Scottish? I thought it was Spanish…" he said pondering.

"Yeah, great, whatever, just get out of my room!" shouted Sephiroth. Yazoo got off the ground and stared at Sephiroth threateningly.

"Ye better watch your steps wee bairn! They Leprechauns…will be acome'n for us all!" Yazoo then _skip_ped out of the room singing, "HEARTS, STARS, AND HORSESHOES, CLOVERS, AND BLUE MOONS! POTS O' GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND THE RED BALLOONS!" Kadaj and Loz followed silently.

"Whatever…" he muttered turning off his light and falling back to sleep.

12:00 p.m. (A/N: THAT means the middle of the day! I'M SMART!)

Sephiroth had slept in late due to the delay of sleep he got from last night's incident. He awoke to the sound of sobbing, he knew who it was, Yazoo. He got up and walked out of the room. His eyes shot open, seeing a bloody site. Steve, Yazoo's MAGICAL Leopluradon, was slaughtered brutally. Blood, guts, and arteries were everywhere, along with the external remains of Steve. Sephiroth moaned.

"Great! Now the carpet's stained!" he yelled. "Mother is NOT going to be happy about this…" Kadaj and Loz were comforting Yazoo (who was now wearing his regular attire) as he bawled, patting him on the back.

"You missed it. Those 'leprechaun' things came and did this to Steve…and they stole our cereal for the week…" he said forlornly.

"I WARNED YOU! ALL OF YOU! NOW SHE'S GONE FOREVER!" mourned Yazoo.

"She? But Steve is a boy name…" stated Sephiroth.

"_Exactly_." Loz and Kadaj said in unison. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow looking at the three strangely.

"So… the carpet's ruined and we have nothing to eat. What are you going to do Kadaj?" Sephiroth asked, deciding to change the subject. "You're in charge, you have to fix all of this." Kadaj thought for a moment. Then smiled brightly.

"I'm gonna go buy more food whilst you three clean up Steve's entrails!" he announced heading for the door. "BYE!"

"WAI-" Sephiroth began, but was cut off by the door slam. Kadaj was gone, and he was stuck cleaning up blood and guts with his two dim-witted brothers. Irritated, Sephiroth sat on the couch and crossed his arms. "I'm NOT cleaning this, you two are." He declared.

"Aw come on Sephy! Cleaning up animal organs could be fun!" Yazoo said blissfully.

"You don't mind cleaning up your own pet's body parts?" Sephiroth asked.

"What pet?" Yazoo inquired tilting his head to one side confusedly.

"Eh… Steve…" Loz stated, bewildered by Yazoo's response.

"Who's Steve?" he asked tilting his head to the other side. Sephiroth's mind went blank as he blinked staring at Yazoo as if he were the most idiotic person on earth.

"No one Yazoo…no one… just clean up this mess and DON'T CALL ME SEPHY!" he commanded.

"Aw why do WE have to do this brother?" whined Loz.

"Because I said so!" he snapped back.

"Kadaj said 'us three' shall clean it. That means you too Sephy…roth." Yazoo pointed out. "You must help too! Come on! It'll be fun!"

"Mother… how could you leave me with these morons?" he complained reluctantly getting up off the couch.

One icky viscera cleanup later… 

The entire house was clean, and the remains of Steve were buried in the backyard outside. Though there were still blood stains on the carpet. Kadaj finally arrived and burst through the door carrying 9 bags of groceries stacked in his arms.

"Why the hell did you buy all that food?" Sephiroth asked as he watched his brother stumble across the room balancing the bags in his arms. Yazoo and Loz went to go help, but made him drop everything on the kitchen floor.

"It's for the slumber party silly! Didn't Kadaj tell you? That's why Cloud was here!" announced Loz. Kadaj whacked him with a bag of frozen carrots as he was packing the food away. Sephiroth flinched replaying Loz's words over in his head.

"A…slumber party…?" he asked in a flabbergasted tone.

"NOT a slumber party, brother, a regular party." Kadaj said.

"You said slumber party." Loz objected grinning.

"That's why you invited Cloud over for dinner that one night, to discuss the slumber party you're going to have and who you were going to invite!" Yazoo added joyfully. Kadaj slapped his forehead.

"So…you, Cloud, Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz are planning a…slumber party?" he asked maintaining his laughter. "Well as long as you don't destroy the place I don't care just don't drag me into it."

"Pshaw!" Yazoo shouted. "You're invited too silly-head!" Kadaj finished putting the groceries away.

"Yes brother, you will be joining us. It shall be-"

"-fun?" Sephiroth said rolling his eyes and completing Kadaj's sentence. "I've been hearing that a lot lately." He griped.

---

That's all for now. xD Heh, I never write the chapters as being the entire day. I don't know why, I just don't have the time or patience of creativityness. Next next chapter will be the slumber party...thing. I have no clue what's instore for the next one. Oh wellz. Please review, or not, I don't give a scone. 


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